Episode 9: Navigating Toxic Grandparents

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SPEAKER 1: So be sure to hit that subscribe button. So we don't miss out on any future conversations. Welcome. Welcome. We are excited to be here today. We are going to be talking about a topic that is going to be very interesting.

SPEAKER 1: I'm your host, Iris Leon and today we are going to be talking about a topic that maybe you really haven't heard of, but maybe you have, I don't know because I really haven't heard anybody talk about what we're getting ready to talk about on today's topic we're gonna be talking about toxic grandparents. That's right. Today is not about your mom and your dad.

SPEAKER 1: Today is about your grandparents. And the reason why I'm talking about this topic is because I, a few days ago had a memory and one of the toughest things to do when we get ready to confess or let's say, confront the things we've been involved in or brought under. It's hard when it's your own family.

SPEAKER 1: And you have to kind of like expose the natures of things that could have caused a lot of your personality to become corrupt, not really formed in the right way or in a healthy way. And so this particular memory was brought to mind when I began to, oh, let's, let's just recap for a minute.

SPEAKER 1: So when God began to do an inner work, an inner healing and deliverance, he began a while back years ago, obviously, when we, when we come to Christ, we start the process of a sanctification that happens with our soul and our soul is where our mind will and emotions are sitting. And a few years back, the Lord began to reveal memories.

SPEAKER 1: And there was one memory where I remember being a child and he took me back to his place and he was like, what do you see? And I see and I tell him, I said, I see a child in a room with people, you know what we consider speaking loud, but it would be considered toxic because the loud approach, it was because they were trying to get communication across and no one was listening.

SPEAKER 1: And it was right here in this memory that God began to say, I'm going to begin to remove those toxic seeds out of your personality, out of your life. And it was then that I realized that I was brought up in a toxic environment with a toxic family.

SPEAKER 1: And now I gotta say this, it's no one's blame, no one to blame. We don't have anyone to blame because these traits are handed down from generation to generation. We are given the baton from the next generation before us. And however way they handled it is the way they will bring it down.

SPEAKER 1: And so I can't say that, oh my family knew that that wasn't unhealthy to that was to them. This was normal, this was their normal life. This is the way they interacted. This is all they knew. And so if they knew now, like certain things that, ok, you know, this, the way you handled this should have never happened, the way you did these things that should have never happened.

SPEAKER 1: But you know, II, I honestly don't know how that would play out because then it's that moment of knowing that you went all your life believing that this thing was the way to do it. And you find out that it wasn't at the age of, you know, 5060.

SPEAKER 1: It, it kind of disturbs a lot. So, when I came into this memory, God began to reveal like, you know, this was the moment that this, this voice in your life was, you know, beginning to kill, you know, destroy certain things in your life that should have blossomed, should have grew.

SPEAKER 1: And, and he began to reveal that in this moment, there was a seed killer and it began to kill dreams and it began to kill my emotions and it began to kill relationships in my life. And so I wanna talk about that today, I wanna talk about, you know, the boundaries that we need to set, you know, with our family.

SPEAKER 1: If they're toxic, we need to, we need to safeguard our children from that we need to be able to allow the grandparents to kind of build a relationship, but around this boundary line that we are creating. And so that is what we're getting ready to discuss.

SPEAKER 1: One of the things I wanna address right now, and I'm just gonna pick three common traits that you're going to find in a toxic environment with grandparents. And that's number one, it's the ability to teach kids to be ashamed of their dreams. That was number one seed killer for me.

SPEAKER 1: When I think about all the dreams that I had as, as a young child and the visions that I had in, in me of knowing that I had this greatness that was inside of me and it, it was longing to be freed. I can see in those moments of my timeline where they were crushed and why they were crushed. It had nothing really to do with me. It had everything to do with the one who had the ability to say yes and no in my life.

SPEAKER 1: And the main cause of a lot of, you know, dream killing for grandparents is because their dreams were killed, someone crushed their dreams, someone put their, their dreams to shame and a toxic grandparent, discourages grandchildren from pursuing their dreams, you know, from triggering feelings of shame or inadequacy.

SPEAKER 1: And the negative reinforcement only leads to an alteration in our brain stem in a system of our brain and, and where self perception is operating, it begins to contribute to that area, a low self esteem that begins to release s symptoms of depression later on in life.

SPEAKER 1: And we don't know that we are. And I'm gonna say we as if I was a grandparent that we could be the cause of a child's depression later on in life. You know, we could be the cause of, you know, breaking down their self esteem in ways that we think that we're maybe protecting them from the world.

SPEAKER 1: But in reality, we could, we could easily be that seed killer, you know, Proverbs 1821 it reminds us life and death are in the power of the, of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruits. Ok? Power of death and life is in our tongue and those who are eating from this power, it will be their fruit in their life.

SPEAKER 1: So I'm highlighting that there's an importance of speaking life, giving words to children, even adults who didn't get to have that opportunity of a childhood still deserves a life giving moments in their life that we feed off of that because that's the power that encourages us and that empowers us to to pursue the things that God has asked us to pursue.

SPEAKER 1: And so when I think about this moment, you know, I think about the times that I've expressed my dreams at the table with my, you know, grandparent and I often never got that life, the power of life, but yet the power of death.

SPEAKER 1: And it was always a discouragement to kind of like not understanding why I couldn't pursue, you know, becoming the world's greatest dancer or pursue becoming the world's greatest, you know, a clothing designer or all these things that I imagine and, and tried to pursue, why couldn't I be that person?

SPEAKER 1: And it was always like, well, where we come from or who we are or, you know, our culture, we just could never be that, you know, that's just a dream.

SPEAKER 1: And so those, those moments began to close up the doors in my life to believe that it will always be impossible to be able to pursue those things in life. And that is what you know, draws a child to pursue other avenues that could be more dangerous than the one that they chose to pursue. The first time.

SPEAKER 1: The second one I want to point out is the invalidating of emotions. And I'm gonna say this in our Latino house. You don't get to validate your emotion. You get to scream your emotion, you get to express your bitterness, you get to express your anger.

SPEAKER 1: But when it comes to healthy emotions, you don't get to do that. And a lot of times you're told to be quiet and that's how we were raised and I kind of did the same thing with my own kids. No, be quiet. Don't express, you can't talk, don't tell me how you feel. This is just the way it is and those were the common grounds for my children.

SPEAKER 1: You know, they don't, they didn't get to express to me, you know, the things that were on their heart when they were feeling and, and trying to process what they were feeling. Why am I feeling sad? Why, you know, why am I feeling happy?

SPEAKER 1: What, what you know those things and that was the very nature that I was brought up in. Now, I always now encourage my children to express what's going on. But I do always emphasize this, do not express them in a moment where you cannot control your emotions. That is my number one thing.

SPEAKER 1: And it's because I was brought up in a household where you would say what you say because you're mad. You said what you said because you were sad. You said what you said. And remember I just said in the first, the first toxic trait was the, was the fact that there is power in what we say and we cannot take it back regardless of what we are saying.

SPEAKER 1: Oh, we're sorry for what we said. I'm sorry, but those words cannot be taken back. Now, I'm hurt now, I am wounded and your sorry is not changing that your words, your voice is going to replay in my mind until I get healing.

SPEAKER 1: And that is not the way we are designed is so that we could be on repeat with words that are choosing to actually be like an arrow penetrating into our soul. It literally is defined as a curse, a word curse. And so imagine why would I want to speak to someone when I am angry? And I have the first process, why I'm angry? And then second process, am I, am I a part of any of this?

SPEAKER 1: Did I, did I trigger any of this to do this? Is there something in me that provoked this? And then if that is so then figure out where I need to apologize. And I tell you in the house of Latinos, you do not get that. It is not a thing, it is not a thing. And I had to learn that with Christ that I don't, I don't want to talk with you until my anger subsides because I don't want to say the wrong thing out of a place of hurt.

SPEAKER 1: I don't wanna say I don't wanna hurt you because I'm hurt. And that was something I learned in Christ. Not even you know, learned that anywhere else like it was something literally, the Holy Spirit had to show me and say, hey, how about for the next time you want to have conversations that are going to, you know, shake some things up in people.

SPEAKER 1: How about you take a moment and kind of process before you begin to come forth about the things you wanna talk about and confrontation, man. Confrontation is, is a necessity. Confrontation is necessity, but healthy confrontation is, is the necessity. It's not a confrontation of, of me coming at you and you know, that's not gonna work.

SPEAKER 1: There's nothing that's gonna be res resolved at the table with that. And so, you know, toxic parents, grandparents will invalidate the grandchild's emotions. And when we do, when that happens, when that happens, cause even parents can do that, we disrupt the development of emotional, the emotional regulation that is happening in the brain that should be happening in the brain.

SPEAKER 1: So all automatically we're already disruptors, disruptors that are now disrupting the development of the emotional regulation that should be happening in the brain when emotions are springing up. And this invalidation begins to hinder the child's ability to process and express their feelings, which will lead to the difficulties in managing stress and anxiety. Yes.

SPEAKER 1: So a lot of the children today, we see that they are having a hard time expressing their feelings, they are having a hard time dealing with stress. They are having a hard time even trying to figure out how anxiety is. And the majority of the time is because somewhere in the development of their emotions, it was disrupted and it wasn't allowed to process the normal processing in the system of that brain.

SPEAKER 1: And so, you know, we could look at Ephesians chapter 429 and it says encourage us, it, it, it's like Ephesians chapter 429. It's, it's simply stating what it is. It's encouraging us, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give Grace to those who hear, you might need to do a study on that.

SPEAKER 1: If this is one of the things that you live through, or it's one of the things that you are, you have to begin to figure out how to rewire your brain in the way that God is intended us to be wired, you know, because let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth. I could tell you right now, there's a lot of corruption talk happening in the social media and in the surroundings we're living in now.

SPEAKER 1: It's almost like everybody does. It, it's I should say let me retract. The majority of people don't even know how to be Christ like. And so we're having a lot of corrupting talk against one another. And it's one thing to in false to expose the false. It's another thing to just be randomly talking about people. And that's not a thing that we should be doing.

SPEAKER 1: Honestly. It's a thing that God is saying, let this not be a thing out of your mouth, but only good to build up as fits the occasion. That means it's not gonna be all the time, but there's gonna be moments for you to be able to utilize this tool for what? So that I might give Grace to those who hear. You know, that's another study we can all work on is finding out what Grace really means.

SPEAKER 1: Grace. You know, it's not to give you permission to send, but it's Grace is the, the very anointing that gives you to actually change it, anoints you to change. So can we break cycles? Can we break patterns? Can we break behaviors? Absolutely. We've been giving Grace to do this. So the third thing that I want to bring out and identify it's the ruining of family relationships.

SPEAKER 1: You know, toxic behaviors from the grandparents can activate brain stress response leading to a high in levels of cortisol and prolong activation in a part of the brain. And this chronic chronic stress can impair cognitive function, weakening our immune system and increase the risk of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety.

SPEAKER 1: Psalms 1 33 1 reminds us of the importance of the unity within the family. Stating behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity.

SPEAKER 1: Now, I I'm telling you all of this because we have to set some boundaries. We have to begin to set healthy boundaries and safeguard our children.

SPEAKER 1: When I say setting boundaries, we're looking at, you know, a clear layout that tells this person your behavior is harmful. And if it continues to be this way, I will have to not, I would have to dis communicate and not that anybody wants to be, you know, in a place of dis communicating, but it's to protect myself from this moment of what you, what is happening.

SPEAKER 1: What you're you're doing is causing these things to happen in my life. It's gonna cause these things to happen in my children's life.

SPEAKER 1: So we have to have an open communication.

SPEAKER 1: Encouraging to be open and honest in communication with the family can help address these issues and concerns that is related to these toxic behaviors.

SPEAKER 1: I'm listen, I'm laying these things out and as I was studying it out, I'm like, even if they are not willing to be open in communication, you have to remember that you are doing your part by laying the foundation and there's nothing I can do if they choose not to take the proper steps to respond in a healthy environment.

SPEAKER 1: I mean, we got to get to this place, especially when it comes to family that we are not God and we are not the Holy Spirit. And we can only do what we are asked of to do.

SPEAKER 1: We can only live the way we're asked to live. If you are going to set these boundaries down and then, and then allow toxic talk and thoughts and behavior come out of you, you can cancel this whole thing right now because they're not going to respect your boundaries because you too are part of the toxic trait.

SPEAKER 1: So we have to make a decision on where we're gonna draw the line. If I, if I am saying I don't like ABC and Z, then why am I looking just like ABC and Z?

SPEAKER 1: So if we're going to implement this foundation in our life and begin to steward this, then we ourselves are expected to live in this manner. And in order we can't put this on people. I love this. We would love to put all these, these boundaries on people and, and set these rules and regulations and then find ourselves not even following our what we're practicing, what we're approaching pretty much.

SPEAKER 1: We're just not practicing it, but we're preaching it. You can cancel that. Because i it's, that's a cancel culture. It's not gonna work. You have to get into a place where you're just like enough is enough and this is not what I am doing.

SPEAKER 1: You cannot set boundaries and you yourself are out of order. So I just wanna, you know, open that, open up the table to that for a moment because I am seeing way too many people pointing the fingers and you know, saying, you know, all these things and they themselves do not live this life.

SPEAKER 1: And so it takes work, it's, it's gonna take a few hiccups, but it's, but it's, it's the requirements for you to keep going, the requirements for you to keep going and keep implementing and keep living and keep restoring those areas of your life where you're going to become that healthy foundation.

SPEAKER 1: The next thing I want to say is that you need to seek out some support families dealing with toxic grandparents can benefit from seeking support from the therapists, counselors and support groups or you know, whatever they have, maybe they have something in the church that you can get involved in and all that. So that's going to be important to begin to connect with people who are like minded.

SPEAKER 1: You wanna focus on positive influences. You wanna see the essentials to focus on building positive relationships and surrounding your children with supportive nurturing influences to counter react the negative effects that they were having.

SPEAKER 1: And so you want to establish a healthy boundary, toxic behaviors, establishing healthy boundaries, you know, toxic behaviors from grandparents can disrupt family dynamics, negatively impacting our children's well being. So it's crucial for us as parents and other family members to establish cure boundaries, to protect both ourselves and our children.

SPEAKER 1: So this involves communicating boundaries with toxic grandparents that we are going to begin to enforcing consequences when those boundaries are violated. Ok. So that, that, that is what I was stating before that we need to know that we have to establish bound boundary violations when they are violated. There's a consequence.

SPEAKER 1: The second thing is safeguarding children from the harm. It's important to foster positive relationships between children and their grandparents. And it's equally vital to safeguard children from emotional harm. This may involve monitoring interactions intervening when necessary and providing alternative sources of love and support to compensate for any emotional void.

SPEAKER 1: Ok. So we have to be able to be safeguarding by doing those things, monitoring intervening and providing alternatives where there is voids.

SPEAKER 1: Number three, allowing the children to love their grandparents while guarding them children may naturally love grandparents even if their behavior is toxic, believe it or not, that is a thing you can love people, even though they're toxic. It's essential that we encourage children to maintain a loving attitude while also empowering them to recognize the healthy boundaries.

SPEAKER 1: So by modeling healthy relationships and boundaries, we can help children navigate these complex dynamics with the Grace and resilience. Think about that, think about the fact that they're going to want to love them and they're not going to see the bad in them because that's the way the innocence of children are.

SPEAKER 1: But we're going to have to begin to teach and train them up in the way of healthy life so that they may identify and, and say, OK, this is the right way to do it and I'm seeing the wrong way and then teach them how to process and move forward from that. That's it, it takes work, it's a lot of work when you think about it.

SPEAKER 1: But it's possible by taking little steps in daily life. I, I, you know, if it w if I had my children, they were little but they're no longer little. But if they were little, I would have taught them the difference of emotions, I would have taught them to process them correctly and I would have taught them to show them how, OK, when this negative emotion comes, how are we gonna address it?

SPEAKER 1: How are we gonna counterattack it so that it doesn't create a void? The last thing is explaining a situation without being negative, toughies, toughies. Why do I say that?

SPEAKER 1: Because a lot or most often in, in, in, in relationships, people are explaining a person to someone and they're always explaining it with the negative. How can we remove the negative and explain it when we're not you know, taking away the value, the worth of the person or making it where this, this child doesn't feel like we're going to be disrespectful or discredit that this person is a human being.

SPEAKER 1: Despite of all, that's what's happening. So when we're discussing the situation with children, it is crucial to use age appropriate language and focus on facts. Then subjective judgment. Hello, I'm gonna say it again, focus on facts instead of subjecting judgments.

SPEAKER 1: So that is number one, we want to emphasize that it's OK to set the boundaries to protect oneself from hurtful behavior while also reassuring the child that they are loved valued regardless of the circumstance. So when we are explaining a situation, stay away from the judgment, don't be judgmental, don't start pointing out all the things that you feel are inadequate for this person, point out the facts.

SPEAKER 1: What are the facts that the the the person that we are talking about is, you know, hurt the person that we are talking about has lived a rough life. The person we are talking about is having a hard time processing what love looks like. What you know, those are facts, those are facts my judgment is not a fact, it is a judgment.

SPEAKER 1: So with today's topic, I hope that this will help you to integrate some of the strategies into our families and create a supportive environment for children so that they can navigate relationships with their toxic grandparents by or having an open communication by setting healthy boundaries and having positive role models in your life.

SPEAKER 1: I believe that the children can learn to navigate complex family dynamics while safeguarding their emotion and well being. So I hope that this helps you today. I hope that this will help us become better people in our family. If you are a person who has had this type of struggle with toxic family and you're a believer and you just don't know what to do.

SPEAKER 1: This, there, there, there's some nuggets here that will begin to help you try to be the best person you can be in this life and just walk in this journey with Christ. I appreciate the listeners who are joined in today.

SPEAKER 1: Make sure you share so that other people become aware and begin to follow, go on Cultura podcast.co and you will find a list of links there where you can hit the links, share, subscribe and support. We look forward to being with you once again in our next upcoming discussion.